At the moment I feel rubbish, not in an ill way but emotionally. I started my eldest daughter at nursery when she was 11 months old, 2 weeks before I went back to work. She really hated it. Screamed every time I dropped her off, was always red eyed when I picked her up and never wanted to go. She is a different story now and often asks to go and play. She talks about her key workers and tells me about her friends at nursery. I feel much better about her going as I think she enjoys it.
I said when my youngest was born that we would start her in nursery at a younger age and with much more time before I went back to work. My husband and I decided 9 months old. Today she had her first afternoon visit. All was fine for the first hour as I sat and played with her. I think she enjoyed that no one was taking her toys and she could explore new surroundings. It was then decided that I leave to let her explore and settle on her own.
I felt so mean and horrible. I feel like I am the worst parent in the world. I know she is looked after. I did so much research on nurseries and child minders and nannies, I spent weeks reading offstead reports and looked round all the local nurseries before settling on the one she is at. So I know its the best care other than her family but I still feel rotten.
I came home and unpacked some boxes. We moved house in May and there are still loads of boxes to unpack, I just never have the time. I organised and put things away and kept myself as busy as possible to take my mind of it as best I could. It felt good unpacking and sorting but all the time it did not feel right, like something was missing.
I clock watched and as soon as it was time I set off to pick my girls up. My eldest came with me to pick up her sister, she did not know she had started at the same nursery. My youngest was so happy to see me that she cuddled her head into my chest. Nursery said she had been brilliant, ate all her dinner, drunk her milk and had a nap, so I think she is going to be ok.
My eldest told her Daddy that baby has a room at nursery and how she picked her up. My youngest would not let me go, she was my little koala bear. I know it has to be done because I have to go back to work. Not that I am complaining about work given the current economical state I am more than happy to have a job, let alone be lucky enough in one I really enjoy. It doesn't stop the guilt though and the pain. The feeling of am I doing the right thing or the worry. It definitely does not get any easier with your second. I am just glad I had those boxes to unpack to keep me busy else I think I would have sat outside in the car and just waited.
This day I love Keeping busy.