keeping busy

At the moment I feel rubbish, not in an ill way but emotionally.  I started my eldest daughter at nursery when she was 11 months old, 2 weeks before I went back to work.  She really hated it.  Screamed every time I dropped her off, was always red eyed when I picked her up and never wanted to go.  She is a different story now and often asks to go and play.  She talks about her key workers and tells me about her friends at nursery.  I feel much better about her going as I think she enjoys it.

I said when my youngest was born that we would start her in nursery at a younger age and with much more time before I went back to work.  My husband and I decided 9 months old.  Today she had her first afternoon visit.  All was fine for the first hour as I sat and played with her.  I think she enjoyed that no one was taking her toys and she could explore new surroundings.  It was then decided that I leave to let her explore and settle on her own.

I felt so mean and horrible.  I feel like I am the worst parent in the world.  I know she is looked after.  I did so much research on nurseries and child minders and nannies, I spent weeks reading offstead reports and looked round all the local nurseries before settling on the one she is at.  So I know its the best care other than her family but I still feel rotten.

I came home and unpacked some boxes.  We moved house in May and there are still loads of boxes to unpack, I just never have the time.  I organised and put things away and kept myself as busy as possible to take my mind of it as best I could.  It felt good unpacking and sorting but all the time it did not feel right, like something was missing.

I clock watched and as soon as it was time I set off to pick my girls up.  My eldest came with me to pick up her sister, she did not know she had started at the same nursery.  My youngest was so happy to see me that she cuddled her head into my chest.  Nursery said she had been brilliant, ate all her dinner, drunk her milk and had a nap, so I think she is going to be ok.  

My eldest told her Daddy that baby has a room at nursery and how she picked her up.  My youngest would not let me go, she was my little koala bear.  I know it has to be done because I have to go back to work.  Not that I am complaining about work given the current economical state I am more than happy to have a job, let alone be lucky enough in one I really enjoy.  It doesn't stop the guilt though and the pain.  The feeling of am I doing the right thing or the worry.  It definitely does not get any easier with your second.  I am just glad I had those boxes to unpack to keep me busy else I think I would have sat outside in the car and just waited.

my girls

This day I love Keeping busy.

14 Comments

  1. A beautiful honest post that describes perfectly the guilt we all feel. Anyway, I know you are not the worst mother in the world today because that's me. Some days this parenting business is all too hard - but look at that beautiful photo of your girls and know you are doing the right thing

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    1. You are not the worst mother. Thank you for your comment its been a hard day

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  2. We always do what we think is the right thing for our kids at the time and that is all we can do. I know it is easier said than done, but there is no point feeling guilty about it. If you weren't going back to work, you would have guilty feelings about not bringing in income to the family. Us mums can't win - the guilt just goes with the territory of being a mum. I know from when i used to childmind, even the babies that don't seem to settle in well usually cry for quite literally a minute and then they are fine. They will often cry at pick up time too at first even though they have been fine and happy all day. I love reading about how your girls are getting on because my little girl is 9 months too. x

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    1. I know it was a tough day today and I think I just needed to write it down. I dont want the girls thinking it was easy to put them in nursery or that I did not miss them. Its such a hard thing for me to do.

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  3. Such a honest post. Lots of us have been there with this one, you aren't the worst mother, you are like most mothers I know that just have to work. I've worked in nurseries before and can honestly say that children are generally really happy and content to be there once settled in xx

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    1. Thank you thats good to know. I worry about them the whole time they are there, which I know is silly but I just cant help it

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  4. It feels so much better to get things off our chests sometimes. Remember you have lots of blog readers supporting you xx

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    1. Thank you, I needed to write it as it was really bothering me and feel better for doing so. Comments are really helping me though as I am starting to feel less mean

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  5. Aw my heart is breaking for you. I would hate to leave my little one behind like that! Parents always know what is best for their family and situation, so stay strong! I just recently did a tribute post to stay at home moms and working moms. Maybe it will cheer you up. http://www.kraftinmommy.blogspot.com/2013/01/tribute-to-stay-at-home-moms.html

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  6. I know how you feel Leyla,being a working mum tears you apart sometimes.Not easy at all but sometimes life's not perfect and we have to do what's best with the situation we are given.
    It sounds like you have done above and beyond checking out the right nursery for your baby,all proof that you are a good mum.To be honest anyone who reads your blog knows you are a great mum!
    Sending loads of hugs your way x

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    1. Thank you that means a lot. I try my best to do what is right by my girls, I hope they see that when they are older. It is so hard having to put your children in nursery. You are an excellent Mum too!

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    2. Thanks Leyla,that means a lot to me as that's the main thing I want to be in life.I wish more mums would support each other coz that enormous bottle of 'mother guilt' we all drink from sometimes is terrible.And there is nothing worse than feeling a bad mother is there!It stings!Even when we know deep down its not true.
      I work at a school in the nursery department and i sometimes hear stories that 'truly' are the stuff of bad mothers and believe me 'we are in no way bad mothers!' but still we drink from the mother guilt bottle!Damn that mean old mother guilt!!!
      Whoever said being a parent was easy!!!Lets carry on loving our kids in the way we do because we love them so much and we ARE good mothers :-)

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    3. I hate feeling guilty as a Mum. I will be back at work in 3 weeks and I am feeling so guilty for going back

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