Today is not a good day.
Leading up to today and for a few days after today I will go through a pattern of every emotion there is. I know this because it has been the same for over 10 years. Today just hurts, more so than this date over the past 10 years. Today I should be out celebrating, it should be my sisters 30th Birthday. Instead I took some flowers to her grave, sat on the cold cemetery floor and wished she was here.
I kept myself busy all day. Just doing things to take my mind off it. I went for a run just to feel the cold air, I think I deliberately left my jacket at home. Time seemed to go slow.
The girls have an understanding of who their Auntie is, although they have never met her. They draw pictures for her and we talk about her. My eldest found it difficult to comprehend that it is her birthday. She asked lots of questions on the way home from school, but somehow this helped. Somehow just having someone to talk about her with, someone who asked such innocent questions and passed no judgement made it easier.
Eldest daughter thank you for your inquisitive curious nature, thank you for talking to me on the way home from school and for making me smile. You helped me today more than you could possibly know.
This day I love the 30th